From the inside out

June 3, 2012 at 7:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Greetings and happy Sunday, readers. The housemates and I went on a retreat to Pender Island, part of the Canadian San Juans, last week and it was lovely. I’ll post some photos and updates from that soon. But right now I just want to take a moment to remember my mom. She passed away 15 years ago today.

Every year this anniversary kind of sneaks up on me, even though it trails along soon after Mother’s Day. I usually prefer to just spend the day alone reflecting on the positive memories and all of the reasons I admire her so much. But the last few days I’ve been dealing with a very painful ear infection and have had a lot of time to lay around by myself and think. I keep thinking about how much of my life she didn’t get to see and all of the things she may or may not know about me. She died before I started playing clarinet, before I learned French, and before I learned how to cook and bake. Does she know how much of a mentor she still is to me? I still look at her as the embodiment of spirituality, strength, joy, beauty, and love. Oh, we had entered the mother/daughter pre-teen years fighting, but she never stopped being my hero and the captain of my home team. I miss her telling me that she loved me. And in the few moments before she died, when my grandma told me to to tell her that I loved her, did she know that I couldn’t because I was crying too hard…not because I didn’t?

So I’m hurting inside and outside today, and I really just want my mom to take care of me. As a young woman, I’d love to have her guidance on a daily basis. There’s so much I didn’t learn about her, either. But I’m grateful for the people that have stepped in and fulfilled these needs in various ways. So much good has come from a life event that at 11 years old, felt like the end of everything good.

Love you, mom

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